My Child Screams "I Hate You!"
Emotional Regulation- “I hear you. You're really upset right now.
- “It's okay to be angry. I'm not going anywhere.
- “You don't have to like me right now. I still love you.
- “When you're ready, I'm here to listen.
“You don't mean that.”
In the moment, they DO mean it — and telling them they don't dismisses their emotional experience.
“That's a terrible thing to say.”
Shaming their expression makes them bottle up emotions. The goal is to redirect the expression, not suppress it.
“I hate you too!”
Even said in frustration, these words from a parent are devastating and remembered for years.
“Go to your room until you can be respectful.”
Banishment during emotional crisis reinforces 'my feelings push people away.'
'I hate you' is rarely about hatred. It's the only words big enough to match the size of the feeling inside. ADHD children experience emotions more intensely (emotional hyperarousal) and have less capacity to regulate them. When you absorb 'I hate you' without retaliating or withdrawing, you teach something profound: 'Your biggest feelings don't scare me. You are safe even when you're angry. Our relationship can survive your worst moments.' That is the foundation of secure attachment.
Hours later — or even the next day — when things are completely calm: 'You said something really big yesterday. I'm not upset about it, but I want to understand what was going on for you.' This opens the door to the real conversation underneath the 'I hate you.'
The words hurt. You're allowed to feel that. After your child is calm and the moment has passed, process YOUR feelings separately — with a friend, a therapist, or a journal. You don't have to pretend it didn't sting. You just can't let the sting drive your response in the moment.
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