My Child Broke Something in Anger
Behavior- “I can see you were really overwhelmed. Let's take a breath before we deal with the mess.
- “The [item] is broken. We'll figure that out. Right now, I need to know — are you okay?
- “Breaking things when you're angry tells me the feeling was too big for your body. Let's find something safer for next time.
- “When you're ready, we're going to clean this up together. Not as punishment — because taking care of our space matters.
“Look what you did!”
They can already see what they did. Shame makes them defensive, not reflective.
“You're paying for that.”
Logical consequences have a place, but leading with financial punishment during emotional crisis teaches nothing.
“This is why we can't have nice things.”
Globalizing one incident ('we can't have nice things') tells the child they ruin everything.
“What were you thinking?!”
They weren't thinking. That's the point. ADHD impulsivity means action happens before thought.
Destruction during anger is an overflow response — the emotion exceeded the child's capacity to contain it, and it came out physically. Prioritizing the child's emotional state over the broken object sends a message: 'You matter more than things.' Then framing cleanup as care ('we take care of our space') rather than punishment teaches responsibility without shame. The key insight: the behavior was wrong, but the feeling was valid. Addressing both — separately — is what builds emotional regulation over time.
After cleanup, problem-solve together: 'When you feel that angry again, what could you do instead of throwing? Could you squeeze something? Go outside? Yell into a pillow?' Write down 2-3 options together and post them where they're visible. Having a plan reduces impulsive destruction next time.
Consider having a designated 'angry space' — a corner with a pillow, a stress ball, or even a cardboard box to stomp on. Making it okay to be physically angry (in a safe way) removes the pressure to contain something that feels uncontainable.
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