My Child Is Hitting Their Sibling
Behavior- “I need to keep everyone safe. [Physically separate them calmly.] I can see you're really upset.
- “Hitting is not okay. I know you're angry, and we'll talk about that — but first, everyone needs to be safe.
- “To the other child: 'Are you okay? I'm sorry that happened. Let's get you [ice/space/comfort].'
- “After separation: 'Your feelings were real. The hitting was not okay. Let's figure out what happened.'
“Why did you hit your brother/sister?!”
'Why' questions during emotional flooding are impossible for ADHD brains to answer. They genuinely may not know why.
“You should know better.”
They probably do know better — in calm moments. ADHD impulsivity means the action happens before the knowledge can intervene.
“Go to your room and think about what you did.”
Isolation during emotional dysregulation often escalates shame without teaching any skills.
“If you hit again, you're losing [privilege].”
In the moment of impulsive aggression, future consequences have zero influence on behavior.
Physical aggression in ADHD children is almost always impulsivity, not malice. The signal travels from emotion to action, bypassing the 'stop and think' checkpoint that the prefrontal cortex is supposed to provide. Separating first (safety), then validating the emotion (not the behavior), and finally problem-solving together teaches the child that (1) there are limits, (2) their feelings matter, and (3) there are better ways to express anger. This three-step approach — safety, validation, problem-solving — is more effective than any punishment.
When both children are calm, facilitate a brief conversation: 'Can you tell your sister what you were feeling? Can you tell your brother how it felt when he hit you?' This builds empathy and gives the ADHD child practice putting feelings into words — the skill that replaces hitting over time.
Create a 'mad plan' together during a calm moment. 'When you feel so angry you want to hit, what can you do instead? Hit a pillow? Go to your room and stomp? Squeeze this stress ball?' Having a pre-made plan gives the impulsive brain something to reach for in the heat of the moment.
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