My Child Is Being Defiant / Oppositional
Behavior- “I can see you don't want to do this. Can you tell me what's making it hard?
- “I hear your 'no.' Here's what needs to happen: [specific task]. How would you like to do it?
- “I'm not going to fight you on this. The task needs to happen. You pick when and how.
- “I know this feels unfair. Let's figure out a way to make it work for both of us.
“Because I said so.”
ADHD brains need reasons. Arbitrary authority creates the exact power struggle you're trying to avoid.
“You always do this.”
'Always' and 'never' statements make the child feel their identity is the problem, not the moment.
“Fine, have it your way.”
Caving teaches that defiance works. But escalating teaches that force works. Neither is the goal.
“I'm counting to three...”
Countdowns create anxiety-driven compliance, not understanding. And they stop working once the child calls your bluff.
Much of what looks like defiance in ADHD is actually overwhelm, rigidity, or difficulty with transitions. The ADHD brain struggles with shifting from what it's currently doing (which may be engaging) to what you're asking (which may feel boring or hard). Offering choice within a boundary ('the task needs to happen — you pick when and how') preserves the non-negotiable while giving the child a sense of autonomy. This dramatically reduces power struggles because the child feels some control.
When the task eventually gets done, acknowledge it without sarcasm: 'Thank you for doing that. I know it wasn't what you wanted to do.' Resist the urge to add 'See, was that so hard?' — which undermines the cooperation you just earned.
If oppositional behavior is a daily pattern (not just occasional resistance), it may be worth exploring whether the demands you're placing exceed their executive function capacity. Sometimes reducing the number of daily demands — not to zero, but to a manageable level — transforms 'defiance' into 'cooperation with less on the plate.'
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