My Child Is Lying to Me
Behavior- “I think what really happened might be different from what you told me. I'm not going to be mad — I just want to understand.
- “Sometimes it's hard to tell the truth when you're worried about getting in trouble. I'd rather hear the hard truth than an easy lie.
- “I know you didn't mean to lie. Sometimes your brain fills in a story before you even think about it. Let's try again.
- “Thank you for telling me the real version. That was brave.
“You're a liar.”
Labels the child's identity, not the behavior. Once they believe 'I'm a liar,' the behavior increases — why try to be honest if that's who you are?
“I can't trust you anymore.”
Trust withdrawal is devastating and rarely true. You'll trust them again tomorrow. But they'll remember this sentence for years.
“Why did you lie to me?”
They usually don't know why. ADHD lies are often impulsive (blurted before thinking) or shame-driven (avoiding punishment). Demanding 'why' produces more lies.
“Tell me the truth RIGHT NOW.”
Pressure and anger activate fight-or-flight, which makes honest recall harder, not easier.
ADHD lying is different from neurotypical lying. There are three common types: (1) Impulsive lies — the false answer comes out before the true one is formed, because ADHD brains respond before processing. (2) Shame-avoidance lies — they've been in trouble so often that lying feels like survival. (3) Memory-gap lies — they genuinely don't remember what happened and their brain fills in a plausible story (confabulation). Understanding which type you're dealing with changes everything. Removing the threat of punishment ('I'm not going to be mad') makes truth-telling safer than lying. That's the only thing that works long-term.
After the truth comes out, follow through on your promise not to be angry. If there are consequences, keep them small and logical — not emotional. The goal is to make honesty feel safer than dishonesty. Every time they tell the truth and the world doesn't end, the lying decreases.
If your child 'lies' about things that don't matter (exaggerated stories, invented details), consider whether it's actually confabulation — their brain filling gaps in memory with plausible fiction. This is neurological, not moral. They genuinely believe their version. Gently correcting without accusation ('I remember it a little differently — I think it was Tuesday, not Wednesday') helps them recalibrate without shame.
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