My Child Says "I'm Stupid"
Self-Esteem- “I hear you saying that, and I want you to know — that's not true. But I understand it feels true right now.
- “Your brain works differently, not worse. Some things are harder for you, and some things are easier. That's how brains work.
- “Can you tell me what happened that made you feel that way?
- “You know what I notice? I notice that you [specific strength — are really creative / are kind to your friends / never give up on things you care about].
“Don't say that! You're so smart!”
Well-intentioned but dismissive. It tells them their feelings are wrong instead of addressing the pain underneath.
“You're not stupid, you just need to try harder.”
Implies the problem is effort, not neurology. ADHD kids often try harder than anyone around them.
“Stop being so negative.”
Shames them for expressing vulnerable feelings, which teaches them to hide pain instead of processing it.
“Everyone struggles sometimes.”
True but minimizing. When a child says 'I'm stupid,' they don't need perspective — they need to feel heard.
ADHD children receive an estimated 20,000 more negative or corrective messages by age 12 than their neurotypical peers. 'I'm stupid' is often the internalization of years of 'pay attention,' 'try harder,' 'why can't you just...' Validating the feeling ('I understand it feels true') without agreeing with the content ('that's not true') gives the child permission to feel pain without adopting it as identity. Then redirecting to specific, observable strengths rebuilds the narrative with evidence.
Later, when emotions have settled, introduce the concept of a 'brain difference' vs. a 'brain defect.' You might say: 'Did you know that lots of really successful people — inventors, artists, athletes — have ADHD brains? Your brain is built for big ideas, not for sitting still in a classroom. That doesn't make you stupid. It makes you someone the classroom wasn't built for.'
Start a 'strength journal' together. Each night before bed, write down one thing they did well that day — no matter how small. 'You remembered to feed the dog without being asked.' Over time, this becomes a tangible record that counters the 'I'm stupid' narrative with evidence.
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